Disappointing Discipline

I knew putting it in writing would make it that much harder to do. But it's not for lack of work that I haven't been writing on here, simply lack of discipline to divide my work into all the areas where I need it to be. That's one of the biggest challenges that I'm working through. So many habits that are key to success are simply not in my behavioral vocabulary. I recognize that my ADD-ish tendencies to jump around can be considered multitasking in some circles, but when I can't control the amount of my time that gets spent on the item I budgeted that time for in the first place, it's hard to call it a skill.

To the end of trying to get better at this I'm starting out by making lists of things to do. Following them is another matter, but I'm really not as worried about doing the things on the list as I am about making the list of all the things I should be doing. It's a very instructive exercise, as at any given time I'm usually horrified to see - in writing - exactly how many things I should be doing and am not.

And therein lies the key, the problem that I have to overcome. I've always felt that people who were able to manage their time and energy well were somehow superhuman - or perhaps that my inability to do so made me less than human. The latter thought is easily rejected by the sight of most of my fellow humans failing to manage their time as well as they want to, but this just reinforces the superhuman appearance of those who succeed. Horror and depression are my most common reactions to seeing a list of all the things I really ought to get accomplished during a given day, and that's before I even start on the intermediate- and long-term projects. If that's the normal human state of affairs then I need to become superhuman in order to live the life I desire - but I don't think it's normal, I think it's a defense I've learned in place of a method to handle the division of my time. So I'm attacking the problem head on with lists everywhere I can - lists on my phone, on my Google account, my calendar, post-it notes on my laptop and textbooks, and 5 reminders for each assignment, study group and test date in my schedule. If this doesn't drive the message home to my subconscious that these problems are here to stay, I don't know what will. Once I accept that there's no hiding from these obligations I can learn how to manage them. Until then, I'll be scaring myself into a better future.